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August 2008

(contd from the Home Page) His Grace is Sufficient for Me ~ by Muriella D'Silva

The truth can be difficult to hear; very unpalatable, even. But if we pay attention to Our Father, meditate on His Word and allow His Spirit to convict us and lead us into repentance and restoration, the most difficult time can become a time of blessedness, a time of grace, a period of beauty and basking in the immeasurable love of a Merciful Father.

So, here’s my experience. The operation went well, healing was taking place, and everything seemed to be going great. I was looking forward to resuming my normal routine within a week. And in the meantime, I was enjoying all the attention- visits, phone calls, smses, emails and the occasional treat in the form of a mango cheesecake or trifle pudding brought by some good friends J (and of course thinking, hmmm…….. being an invalid has it’s advantages! ;-) )

But after the initial attention and concern, the calls, smses, etc dwindled drastically. Just a few kept following up about my recovery. Looking back, I understand The Lord was leading me into the desert. (Never ever thought sickness can be a desert experience!) He was cutting off/minimizing all outside attention so I could give Him my undivided attention (. He had a lot to teach me and I would learn nothing if I kept getting distracted.)

At first, He showed me 4 people towards whom I had deep hurt and bitterness. I had forgiven them on a conscious level, but at a subconscious level, I was still nursing grudges against them. The Lord reminded me of instances when I would encounter these people and internally feel angry at what they had done, though at a conscious level I was fooling myself that I had nothing against them.  

After a period of resistance, He led me one evening when I was sitting with my arms folded and my resolve strong NOT to forgive these people, ( my emotional side ruling my spiritual side!) to pray the following prayer- Lord, I surrender this situation to You. I give you my broken heart, my spirit that is crushed, my wounded psyche and my hurt ego. I bring before You this person that has caused me so much pain and I ask for strength to forgive him/her as Christ Jesus forgave me; to pray for him/her as Jesus prayed from the cross- Father forgive him/her for he/she knows not what he/she is doing- and to love him/her as You love me. Let Your Healing Love flow through me o Precious Father and transform me- give me the grace to give You full control of this situation; to let go and let You be God. I ask this in The Holy Name of Jesus Your dearly Beloved Son, Amen.

It was amazing to experience Him break through my defenses and melt my stony heart. Over the next few days, I realized there was no more bitterness and anger in my heart towards these people anymore. The Lord brought healing in each of these four relationships without me having to make any effort at reconciliation. (Two weeks later, He showed me another person that I did have some negative feelings towards too, but that’s a different story)

Next, the pain worsened. It just became so much more magnified. So much more unbearable. It would start at around 9 a.m. and begin subsiding only around 12 noon or even at 2 or 3 p.m. I would remember my late grandma’s words- unite your pain to that of Jesus on the cross and offer it to Him. Tell Him to use it as He desires. That would give me consolation and courage to go on, plus the knowledge that my suffering was not in vain. But on a physical level….pain is pain.

 By then I had started going for daily Mass in the evenings when the pain was less. One evening, the Priest while doing the introduction at Mass said “to be healed, you have to desire healing.” The Gospel for that day was the healing of the blind man- who kept asking Jesus to have mercy on Him and when Jesus asked what He could do for him, the man replied that he wanted to see. As I was going for Holy Communion, I told Jesus- See Lord, I believe You are The Same Jesus Who walked on the streets of Jerusalem healing the sick, giving sight to the blind, making the deaf hear and the dumb speak, the lame walk, etc.

As I receive You in The Eucharist and as You travel down my alimentary canal, I ask You to heal me not just physically, but also spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Let Your Healing Love radiate to my entire being from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. The docs are treating the symptoms, but You alone know the root cause and extent of this illness.

The next day the pain was beyond unbearable. I had already had an appointment with the doc that week and he had said the wound had healed so there was no reason why I should still be in pain. I went again that day and he mentioned that a fissure had developed due to stress and that was why I was in such intense pain. He prescribed medicines and told me to relax. (Yeah right!)

The Lord began to show me how I was holding onto stuff that I needed to let go of. How I would tell Him that He was my Driver (as in Driving Force) and I was ready to go wherever He took me and do whatever He told me, but in reality, I was giving Him instructions from the backseat.  How I would say that He was in control of my life entirely, but there were times and situations and circumstances where I wanted to be in control, to be on top of things. How I needed to lean on Him entirely and not rely on my own strength/intelligence/etc.
 It was a humbling experience. A good friend shared her experience of letting go and letting God be God. That helped and inspired me.

After that, the next 2 days were relatively better. The pain was much more bearable and I was looking forward to getting back to my normal routine on Monday.  But that was not to be. The pain returned with a vengeance on Monday. I wondered why. What now? I kept offering the pain to The Lord and asking for His strength and grace and asking what more I needed to learn. The next day my mum met the doc who initially diagnosed my problem. She suggested some medicines and I started with them. 

In the meantime, I was praying and asking The Lord to show me where else I needed to change. He revealed how I have been testing Him, taking His love, grace and a lot that He has blessed me with, for granted. How I would very often do my own thing instead of His Will. How I would spend less time with Him and justify it by saying I was doing it in order to do something FOR Him. The Lord made me realize that He is not so much interested in what we do FOR Him as what we allow Him to do IN us. He wanted me to be centered like Mary and not scattered like Martha. He wanted me to be that docile, obedient sheep who listens to the Voice of her Shepherd and follows Him alone.  

As I write this, the healing process is still taking place. Certainly, Our God has His reasons for taking His time. He may heal some people in a jiffy, He may heal some people after a short time, some after a longer time and for some others, healing takes much more time.  But through it all, HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR US. It helps to remember that doctors tend to treat just the symptoms, i.e. the fruit. But God Our Divine Healer, heals from the root. He heals us not just physically, but spiritually, emotionally and mentally. And because He is Our Creator, he can re-create us. He can mend what is broken; He can restore what was lost. And His healing is so complete, so excellent, that we end up STRONGER in the broken places. 

The Lord educates us in two schools- the school of SILENCE and the school of SUFFERING. Regrettably, I have easily forgotten many lessons I learnt in silence. The lessons learnt in times of suffering, however, are a different matter! (I guess that’s the case with stuff you learn the hard way…) 

To end this narrative of my incredible journey, I want to leave you with two verses which were a source of great encouragement to me…I WILL NEVER LEAVE NOR FORSAKE YOU and MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU. May The Lord of Heaven and earth bless and keep you, may His Face shine upon you, may He be gracious to you, look upon you with favor and give you His peace.

~ Muriella D'Silva

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