February 2005
The Divine Lover of My Soul
Sometimes I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite. I know the Lord, I've experienced Him in a deep and personal way, I lived with Him, day in and out, talked to Him, walked with Him, shared so much with Him.
And yet, it's so easy at times to sidetrack Him. To compartmentalise Him. To just - forget.
Recently work's been so hectic (yes, I too make excuses) and since the year began, I probably entered the chapel all of three times. Though my Scripture reading is regular, I knew what I was missing. And yet I couldn't help it.
I did have time for the parties of this season however. For the endless wedding functions, one more extravagant than the other and so many functions per couple. And also other partying on the side. So easy to buy into the "Work hard, party hard" ethic.
And so I shunned Him. I rejected His pleas to spend time with me. I took Him for granted. I tried to get away with it; "You know my heart after all". Yeah right.
And where did I go. In the only direction that one who leaves the Lord goes. Straight down.
Depression, Anxiety, Restlessness, Guilt, a deep acute Lack of Peace, you name it. I got to a point that I felt I had lost it. Maybe after almost nine years of being "in the Lord" I had lost my love for Him...
I knew in my heart it wasn't true - of course I still loved the Lord. But it just didn't seem to be working out anymore.. I just didn't seem to be doing - or even wanting to do - any of the things I knew I should.
And the Lord?
He just waited. Exactly like He said He would. The father of the prodigal child. Just waiting. And waiting. Refusing to give up, regardless of anything.
He stood there, most gently, outside my heart and knocked softly. Over and over again. Refusing to give up though I insulted Him. Mocked Him. Treated Him worse than I wish to remember or admit.
He just kept on knocking.
And at times I would run to the door, wanting to, but not be able to open it ... how could I, after all I had done to Him? I didn't deserve Him. How could I even look at Him?
He just kept on knocking.
At times I forgot about Him. I could barely even hear Him above the noise and cares of this world. Though I couldn't really forget... through it all, he was still knocking.
Until finally I couldn't take it anymore. Have you ever experienced a love so great that it just envelopes you? It just takes you over? It just refuses to be quenched no matter what you do to it?
That's the love Jesus has for each one of us. An unconditional, everlasting love.
My dear friend Sean was being confirmed. I knew how important it was for him and I wanted to be there. I crept into church through a side door, not saying hello to the many people I knew. I didn't deserve to be one with all of the good ones.
And as I took my place, I heard a cassette being played (which incidentally is a rare thing in my church), the song "Amazing Grace".
"Melody, you know, when you're good, it really isn't you anyway."
What was that?
"It's all about my grace. And my grace is sufficient for you. Please come back to me. I love you"
I really love you too Lord. The tears are coming down even now as I type this.
And that's it.
All that there was.
He took me back. Nothing. Nothing else. I just had to say I wanted back and that was it.
The amazing thing about the Lord's love for us is that we're all exactly the same distance away from Him.
No matter how great the distance seems, it's just a "I want back in" away from God.
If you don't believe me, believe God's Word: "...neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" Rom 8:38 - 40
Even if it seems that your sin has created an unbreakable barrier between you and God - do not believe it.
God loves us all right now, even in our sinful states. He can't stop loving us. And we can't be separated from His love.
The best thing we can do is give in to it. Go ahead and spoil ourselves. Bask in the undeserved amazingly wonderful showers of love He'll give us. If we'd only open the door.
I did & my life isn't the same.
If you haven't, do so just now. He's still knocking.
Wishing you a heartfelt repentance this lent & a joyful reunion with our beautiful God,
February 2005
